Grateful to have you! I'm Brittani, a relationship therapist, yogi, writer, runner, and latte lover. Each week you'll receive thought-provoking letters written to generate insights toward creating resilient, intimate, fulfilling relationships.
Against All Reason: The Love Drug
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Against All Reason: The Love Drug "Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind; and therefore is winged Cupid painted blind." A Midsummer Night's Dream, Shakespeare Love stories from the dawn of Shakespeare have shaped how we view love. A romantic connection has us rooting for the characters, even when we know their flaws. Chemistry fuels passion like air igniting a flame. Obstacles have us on the edge of our seats, wondering how they will make this work. Just like Jack Morin's erotic equation, every story consists of attraction and obstacles that equal desire. To say love conquers all is a misnomer; I would say it's more like lust is the powerful drug that keeps us addicted. If lust is as addictive as a coffee habit, limerence is the crack cocaine version that will have us blinded to any reason. Neither of these makes for a sustainable life with someone. How can we unravel romantic drama while keeping chemistry alive in a relationship? The Biology of Love. Helen Fisher's book The Anatomy of Love takes a deep dive into the biopsychosocial of love. She identifies three phases of love: lust, attraction, and attachment. Biologically, our brain chemistry induces these stages, potentially making us feel out of control, particularly in the beginning. Here's a breakdown of chemicals released and how they intensify feelings of love:
The L's of Love Stories. In dating, people often idealize the feel-good, sexy, and romantic aspects and underestimate the importance of a grounded connection. Love and lust exist in different spaces of the same relationship. Love brings togetherness, care, and connection, and lust brings desire, space, and wanting. Love: "I" turns to "We." Watching your favorite shows, enjoying your favorite meals, and having a secure bond. Life: The business relationships exists in the life story. You share a mortgage, taxes, childcare, finances, and schedule vacations. There's a grounded shared vision. Lust: Separateness in how you see one another. Passion ignites when seeing one another in your element. Limerence: An overdose on lust, limerence is the idealized version of who someone can be, how you'll feel, and mistake anxiety for chemistry. Dating Rollercoaster. Dating apps knew what they were doing when they created a system to hijack dopamine, enabling users to swipe with unsatisfactory results. Apps are like a drug people keep using, but no one's getting high anymore. The disposability of modern love has people in the dating pool feeling unsatisfied and deprived. The highs and lows don't just feel real; they are real. Knowing how our hardwired attachment system and brain chemicals gives insight into our behavior. Turn the Lens On You: Examine previous dating relationships. What has worked and what has not worked? What drew you in during the beginning stages that became too much in the end? What kind of life story do you want to share with someone? Think about how you want hard conversations to go. For couples, how do you experience lust and love in your relationship? If you're single and feeling the dating rollercoaster, Dr. Lori Husband and I have a dating course starting June 3rd! Want more information? We got you covered. For the Love, Brittani |
How to Relate
Grateful to have you! I'm Brittani, a relationship therapist, yogi, writer, runner, and latte lover. Each week you'll receive thought-provoking letters written to generate insights toward creating resilient, intimate, fulfilling relationships.