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Communication: It's a Symptom, Not the Problem

What's Underneath?

"We don't know how to communicate."

"We're constantly fighting."

"Talking about (XYZ) topic goes nowhere."

"We don't know what to say."

"I don't want to talk about it."

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"We need to communicate better" often becomes the blanket statement that lands couples in therapy. Given the copious amount of books, seminars, podcasts, and social media therapists who give direct communication strategies, is the problem really that we don't know what to do? Like with most life struggles, the distance of knowing what to do and making changes lands us in a stuck place. If couples therapy continuously addresses communication issues with communication strategies, we may be missing the mark. It's the equivalent of giving opioids for pain rather than understanding where the pain is coming from. Communication is how we experience a deeper struggle in a relational dynamic. How to we get to understand the roots of communication

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Breakdowns. The multitude of life experiences, daily stressors, emotions, and self-esteem encompass a few elements of what lies underneath communication problems. Communication breakdown patterns have common elements. We're getting into semantics here because words matter. These are a few examples of beginning conversation grenades that often cause an explosion before you begin:

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Bad Beginnings

• You make me feel: This is not talking about your feelings, this is blaming someone for how you feel. ("I feel like you" does the same).
• Obviously: Implies the other person is incompetent, comes off as defensive, or is straight up sarcastic
• Well, maybe if you: This sneaky phrase comes off as a criticism, unsolicited advice, and potentially gears the other person up for putting hands over their ears saying, "I can't hear you"
• You always and/or never: Always and never are verbal assassinations. Be prepared for backfire.

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Messy Middles. A pattern begins when a person starts the conversation off in a not-so-great way, and the other begins to follow suit. The conversation continues with language that sounds like the following:

• How dare you say (XYZ):
• You're the one who...
• Walking away (maybe slamming a door along the way)
• I wouldn't do (ABC) if you didn't (XYZ)
• Why can't you...

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Ugly Endings. The arguing continues, words escalate into colorful comments and insults. One person walks away, another continues yelling, and repair doesn't happen. It's a very stuck place to be in.

Let's back up to before conflict begins.

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Understanding Needs. "My needs are not being met" has become a common phrase, but it's maddeningly unhelpful. Emotions give us data to access our unmet needs. Nonviolent Communication breaks down core human needs as:

• Basic Survival: basic physical needs and care of our physical body
• Autonomy: Sense of self and defining goals, values, dreams, and fulfillment
• Interconnection: Community, closeness, empathy, contribution to enriching life
• Integrity: Self-worth/esteem, creativity, authenticity
• Play: Laughter and fun
• Spirituality/Meaning: Beauty, harmony, wonder, inspiration, peace
• Celebration: Recognition of accomplishments and celebration of life through mourning losses

Before we run into conflict, ask these questions:

• What am I feeling? (Highly recommend the app How We Feel).
• What needs have felt filled and unfulfilled? When I work with parents of young children, understandably, family needs often come first. When we overfill one area of our relational life, others become sacrificed. Notice the areas of life that can use nourishment.
• Ask for what you need using this formula:
  • I notice I've been feeling (insert emotion) and could really use (insert need). What can we do to make this work?
  • Example: I notice I've been feeling stressed and could really use self-care time. What can we do to make this work so you can take care of the kids while I take care of me?

Remember: change is challenging, and compassion towards change is necessary.

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Cheers to Compassionate Communication,

Brittani

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PS: I'm hosting a free virtual communication workshop April 1st at 5:30 PM EST. It's perfect for couples or individuals who find themselves stuck in the same conflict. You'll learn:

What's underneath communication problems

How attachment styles play a role in communication

Addressing feelings and needs

How to evolve communication dynamics