"If I love the other person, I feel one with him or her, but with him as he is, not as I need him to be as an object for my use." Erich Fromm

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Over the weekend, I saw the movie Materialists with a therapist friend who's also navigating the rough currents of the dating pool. We laughed over the ridiculousness of how it sounds when potential romantic partners become boiled down to superficial attributes. Matchmaker Lucy, played by Dakota Johnson, discusses clients the same way a broker discusses the stock market. She's checking boxes for her clients:

He's 6'2"

Makes over 200k

She's 31 and looks great for her age

Politically aligned

Attractiveness based on a 1-10 scale

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In an age of swiping for the perfect partner and the perfect pair of jeans, have we lost love to capitalism? Dating apps train us to filter through superficial qualities since we only have six photos and irrelevant prompts (two truths and a lie needs to go away, IMO), and daters have four seconds to make an impression before swiping left or right. The habit of instant gratification diminishes fulfillment yet leaves us wanting more. Most people want fulfilling romantic lives, but romance doesn't involve a 401k. Romantic movies like The Notebook or The Titanic ended with the female lead leaving her wealthy fiancé to be with her broke lover. Previously, the idea of romance was overcoming all odds to be with the one. Modern romance depicts a frictionless version where people only have to overcome swiping through 10,000 profiles to find their "soulmate" who checks all the boxes. It's going so well, and no one is complaining....

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Netflix Decision Fatigue. How many times have you sat down to watch Netflix (or your choice streaming service) and didn't know what to choose? You flip through every genre, from 80s classics to stand-up comedy, only to waste an hour of your time and choose nothing. I've seen plenty of trailers, but not many movies for this reason. The same goes for dating decisions. Too many decisions lead to indecision. Daters become jaded, don't make it to a first date, and the swiping continues.

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Be Perfect, I'll Wait. I've heard people who are dating say, "I've waited this long to find the person to be with; I might as well wait a bit longer." As Wayne Gretzky said, "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take," and when perfect becomes the goal, we're less likely to take shots. You may recall that I wrote about the 'Tokyo Blind Date' by Nick Gray a while back. Nick scours the internet to find a woman to fly to Tokyo for a blind date. At the end of the article, Nick writes:

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Do it for the plot

I'm telling you it is worth it

And find someone to do it with you, because it is way more fun when you're not alone

If you're a person who is alone or afraid to step out into the world to find your person, know that for the last four years, that has been me

On this trip I've learned how foolish I was to wait for so long

So take my advice and learn from my example. Don't think that you can't seek someone special in the world and maybe find your person

There are people out there who are waiting for their beginnings with you, too

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Their story didn't end in a long-term relationship. We may share plenty of romantic love stories and maybe find someone to spend the rest of life with. Let it be as imperfect, messy, resilient, and lively as possible.

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With Messy Love,

Brittani