How to Change
The New Year Newsletter

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If you were to take an analysis of your day, how many decisions do you make? It might be overwhelming to think that every move we make is a decision. Some take more brain power than others. For example, you might have the same thing for breakfast each morning because making one more decision in the morning seems like a monumental task. Other times, the decision is not on autopilot, such as choosing a book to read, which weekend event to attend, or asking your boss for a raise after mulling over the conversation for three weeks. The power of new year beginnings serves as a time of reflection for changes we want to make, choosing what to let go of, and how we want to be. There's a statistic that 91% of people don't complete New Year resolutions. We all know change is hard, but trying to change out of self-loathing makes lasting change impossible.

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Personal Story. I gave up alcohol about five years ago. I called it my cycle of low self-esteem, which included drinking to numb the combination of harsh self-criticism and associated feelings. The process of making this decision wasn't easy. It began by negotiating how much I would drink, doing Whole30, and restricting then binge drinking on the weekend, resulting in shame spiraling and more anxiety. Then I made one decision: I'm not drinking anymore. Making one decision changed it all. To drink or not to drink was no longer a question; the answer was already decided. Drinking was the behavior that changed, stemming from the emotional decision to start liking myself.

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Where does change come from? To understand where change comes from, we need to understand the mechanisms underlying maladaptive behaviors. Just like you don't see a movie critic directing a film, your inner critic's job is to criticize- not create. Self-loathing hinders any sustainable change. A 30-day challenge works because we're attempting to urgently change what we dislike with a quick fix. Maladaptive habits many struggle to change, such as addiction, over-exercise, over-eating, under-eating, drinking too much, overworking, doom scrolling, etc., aim to help solve emotional pain points, which have no quick solutions. As the Navy Seal saying goes- Slow is smooth, and smooth is fast.

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The Emotional Change Framework:

Do you identify with the following:

• Self-loathing: The story may sound like: "I'm not enough" or "I don't like myself the way I am." If this is familiar, understand the root of these statements. Choose curiosity over criticism and give yourself the gift of understanding. Rather than attempting to make behavior changes, practice emotional attunement for yourself through journaling, visualizing, and (of course) therapy.
• Discontentment: These statements may sound like: "I'm not comfortable with where I am, but know I can figure it out" or "I can see the changes I need to make, but feel stuck." First, understand the part of you that desires change and the part that wants to stay the same. Then, lean into the part that desires change and empower that part.
• Self-Esteem: These statements may sound like: "I like myself enough to make the changes for me." Change from self-esteem moves towards genuine self-care. You hold yourself accountable without shame spiraling.
• Desire: Actions stemming from desire are out of sheer joy and excitement. You find these challenges fun, and you probably have people cheering you on or doing it with you.

You may experience a combination of the above, but understand which statement has the loudest voice. Remember, you can choose to like yourself and what you do any time, even well into 2025. Cheers to the New Year!

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Cheers to 2025,

Brittani