Grateful to have you! I'm Brittani, a relationship therapist, yogi, writer, runner, and latte lover. Each week you'll receive thought-provoking letters written to generate insights toward creating resilient, intimate, fulfilling relationships.
How to Make Friends- Not Influence People
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How to Make Friends- Not Influence People You might remember times in life when all you wanted to do was hang out with friends. Now, the trope is that adulthood mainly consists of making plans only to cancel them. While it's understandable that life happens, events compete for calendar dates, and "I just don't feel like it" takes over, have we taken the importance of our friendships for granted? Friendships remain the relationships of choice. When we choose romantic partners, we also choose someone to share taxes and household chores with. In complete freedom, friendships build. Unfortunately, the struggle to create meaningful connections in a polarized, digital, individualized world is real. How do we make genuine friendships as adults? How can we be better for our friends? How do you get by? We've heard from The Beatles that we get by with a little help from our friends, but today's online services replaced the help we once readily received from friendships. Online services now accommodate when we need someone to watch our pets, bring us food when we're ill, and take us to the airport. It's more common for people to say, "I don't want to be a burden on others when I can just Uber to the airport." Culturally independent ideals increase relational atrophy. We can see how societal culture influences our relationships, and we can change the microculture of our inner circles by taking small actions. Next time you need a ride to the airport, ask a friend. Asking leads to receiving, and openness to giving leads to quality relationships. Here's how we can own our part in creating openness for friendships. The Price to "Protect My Peace." I've heard this phrase a lot lately, and while personal peace matters, we may be sending a message that closes us off relationally. Friction generates relational strength. In relationships, friction occurs in the ability to ask, receive, move through conflict, repair, have hard conversations, take accountability, and practice vulnerability. These are all repetitions to strengthen friendships. All of these are messy, and all of these generate resilience. Defaulting to one phrase creates an imbalance. Self-awareness practices allow for deep dives into our nuanced needs. Sure, there may be times when we're spent and don't have it in us to be there for our friends. Also, there will be people happy to take, and that's when we can evaluate our investment in imbalanced relationships. However, I'm willing to bet, more times than not, that whenever we show up for the people we care about, we don't regret it. How to Make Friends, Not Influencing People. Social scientist Arthur Brooks distinguishes having real friends vs. real friends. Real friends include those you turn to for support, have difficult conversations with, and can share vulnerable parts such as passions, dreams, and fears. Deal friends feel generally unsatisfying, may not be able to risk confrontation, and lack depth. Deal friends are about influencing people; real friends authentically coexist. Making real friends requires courage:
And all of these offer invitations to build connections that turn into friendships. In Friendship, Brittani More on Friendship How to Make Friends and Be a Friend with Matthew Case Chaos, Control, and Cherry Juice: The unfiltered friend episode with Jamie Drescher |
How to Relate
Grateful to have you! I'm Brittani, a relationship therapist, yogi, writer, runner, and latte lover. Each week you'll receive thought-provoking letters written to generate insights toward creating resilient, intimate, fulfilling relationships.