One Conversation Changes Everything

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I'm not happy.

I love you.

I'm quitting.

I cheated.

I'm leaving.

We're pregnant.

I need help.

I'm hurt.

Marry me.

We're moving.

I'm sorry.

I got you.

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How Everything Changes. Everything changes once it's said out loud. How many statements, fewer than three words, change the course of life? Then, like a movie montage, we mentalize the culmination of past life events that have led to life-altering words. We think of the times we were hurt and times of happiness, times of pain and times of bliss, times of despair and times of fulfillment. One conversation can feel like a missing piece that makes us whole. One conversation can shatter our entire reality, leaving us wondering what has been real.

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Relationship Filters. Regardless of the relationship—family, friends, significant others, coworkers, or the barista taking our drink order —we constantly filter relational dynamics through our own lenses. Often, our filters aim to answer one question: Do you understand me? "We don't know how to communicate" may be the most common reason that couples end up in therapy. I think if people were being completely transparent, they might say, "I wish my partner would act differently, can you fix them?" Listening closely means hearing the deep desire underneath, and for most people, what they're truly saying is, "I want to matter."

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Fear of Intimacy. All of us have relational need,- which gets complicated. Sometimes our relational needs go unfulfilled for so long that our whole self feels unnoticed. Other times, we demand so much from our close relationships because of a void we hope others will fill. Relational grievances build when we don't speak about our emotional pain in a way that invites someone into see us. We crave an intimate closeness that feels terrifying to be in. Hiding how we feel, intense conflict, and communication problems become strategies for dealing with our longing for intimacy. We continually yearn, yet never feel truly satisfied.

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Storing Hurt. Like a dark attic, we store our resentments and the items that build up over time. We don't often look in these places, but we know they're there taking up space. We attempt to overlook hurts in our relationships to keep them intact. Eventually, the items supposedly hidden so well reveal themselves. The bravest thing we can do in our relationships involves exposing our true feelings, asking for forgiveness, and acknowledging how we may have hurt people in our lives.

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Exposure: The Necessary Brave Thing. We can change the course of our relationships by acknowledging the broken parts that have been neglected along the way. Another way to evolve our relationships is by expressing the love we have for them. Both paths surrender to risk. Since all relationships inherently have risk, maybe it's time we practice courage to share what's on our hearts and in our minds for the sake of making our relationships great.

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Turn the lens on you:

• What's taking up space in your relational attic? List your resentments, disappointments, and hurts. Then list the love you have, moments of shared joy, or the good qualities you see and never said out loud.
• What strategies do you use when you feel hurt in relationships? No judgment here! Poor humor? Lashing out? Passive-aggressive comments? We've all been there. List your strategies and acknowledge your relational growing edges (as a therapist might say).
• How do you want to invite someone into a vulnerable conversation? I'll give you direct advice: don't talk about them. No blaming, no explaining their shortcomings, or circular discussions about how the other person has hurt you. Talk about your feelings, how you want the relationship to be better, and how you're willing to do your part to make that happen. Now that you have instructions, make the conversation your own.

It's simple to change everything; just do it with love.

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Cheers to Change,

Brittani